Like a Shadow of You
by Limstella
Summary: Sam and Carly react differently to Freddie's Death. Two-Shot double songfic of "Like" by Nelly Furtado and "Sombra de tí" by Shakira. Rated T for character death and mention of adult themes.
1. Like Nelstar

_It's Painful to want what you can't have._

Sam felt as though little weights were attached to her eyes, this day, as she could not bring herself to look straight forward, let alone at anyone around her in specific. As she surveyed the same spot on her jet black dress over and over again, she could have been very pleased with how flattering the dress looked on her, but today, there was not sufficient space in her mind to allow such superfluous, temporal thoughts. Indeed, there was something much more pressing on her mind; a subject that came tantalizingly close to completely blocking out from her perception how attractive everyone looked in their formal attire, how nice the sun felt on her exposed arms this day, and how distracting were the flowers around her, not only by their inexplicably exciting scent, but also by the undeniable aesthetic charm they added to the quaint church to which she, Carly, and the closest of their family and friends had migrated this day. In fact, it was almost as if Mother Nature had made this day perfect to tease Sam herself, to remind her of the reproductive beauty of springtime simply to create a sense of irony.

_It's easier to tell you that I wouldn't be_

_Anywhere than in your arms_

_Anywhere in the world than at this time_

_And at this moment._

It is never easy to lose someone that you love at a young age, and Freddie was no exception to this rule; on the contrary, he could have been selected as a candidate for a prime example should anyone any day chose to record any such type of whatever and the more sophisticated Sam tries to make her thoughts sound the more stupid she makes herself feel, and at this point, life is garbage, so Screw poetry. Screw Sam, complete, Screw an unexpected dream, complete… many thing followed to get screwed over in Sam's life, but she stopped feeling the pain as her emotional attachment to certain people in her life, almost even to Carly, became one of those things to get screwed over.

_But if you weren't so good at giving me away_

_Sooner you'd be out that door_

_Sooner you'd be out that door_

_Finding your reason_

Having come to terms with the fact that life would never be fair to her again, after what had happened so many years ago, there were many times in life where, upon seeing other people get screwed over in life, Sam could almost feel a sort of redemption in life. She scolded herself for feeling this way, questioning an element of sadism inside her, but really, most people can sympathize with her, for surely nobody can deny that misery loves company. It almost completed her to imagine that this feeling known as pain was universal, and that in the grand scheme of things, there may be an organized method to the seeming madness around her; a method which someday she might humbly accept the responsibility of understanding.

_And it's not like I'd be missing you._

_You've done too many wrongs, many wrongs, wrongs._

_But it's not like it's unusual to want with_

_Too much like._

Many years ago, after a different death but not in the same way, Sam had always titillatedly anticipated how amplified this sadistic feeling of redemption might be should the victim of tragedy be one of those individuals who had been the cause of a tragedy of Sam's; that is to say, should this mad method show any sign of prospicience or even compassion for its victims. But this was not the case with Freddie. In fact, it was the exact opposite; in a different time and place, Sam could have cursed Freddie to every aspect of death and back, and for all she could remember of those times, she probably did, but now that this impulsively assigned punishment was irrevocably real, it seemed far too harsh; without a doubt, no sin that Freddie had committed in his life, not all of them put together, could rationalize this absurd, nightmarish, fatal punishment.

_You don't even realize that your love is so jaded._

_And every time I try to tell myself I'm wrong_

_You come with hits and misses_

_Of other days and other ways where we shone,_

_Where we knew how to shine._

Indeed, no matter how she had felt that she had been wronged by Freddie by the decision that felt like it was made for her, she could not deny that she and Freddie were still friends; that even if they were not in love, they still had love for each other. At the time, the screaming and shouting had been intense and hurtful, rivaling anything either of them had ever experienced in their lives. And although she couldn't have realized it consciously at the time or for many months to come, somewhere in her mind, perhaps beyond her preconscious all the way into her subconscious, Sam knew that someday, somehow, she and Freddie would make up as friends, for their love for each other could never die. Things between them never did exactly return to normal exactly the way they had been before, but through the subsequent challenges life handed them, Sam and Freddie worked together to create their own normal as best as they could, and in the end, Sam's biggest regret ended up being that she did not attempt to initiate the friendship recovery process earlier.

_And it's not like I'd be missing you._

_You've done too many wrongs, many wrongs, wrongs._

_But it's not like it's unusual to want with_

_Too much like._

As gory and unhealthy as it may sound, Sam had pondered how this day might be long before it happened, although she never imagined it would happen this early in his life, and was heavily surprised by the event taking place as it did. Indeed, Sam's unforgettably audacious simpleton persona deceived her; for when nobody was around, she was often the type to ponder the philosophical aspects of death, as gruesome as it may be. She had been that way even as a child, but she never realized it until early adulthood, where one mistake had led her down a whirlwind of life changing events, none of which culminated in Sam being able to take any sort of pride in recognition of these sessions of pondering which could have resulted in a truly soul-searched decision. No, instead, her opinions and beliefs were pressured away and swept under the rug, much like the beautiful, intelligent, magnetic child that she could have had with Freddie.

_But it's not like I'd be missing you._

_Done too many wrongs, many wrongs, wrongs._

_But it's not like it's unusual to want with_

_Too much like._

Tears did not fall from Sam's finally raised eyes as she watched Freddie's coffin get lifted into the back of the hearse, in preparation to be taken to the graveyard. A weight dropped in Sam's throat at the thoughtt of the particular vocabulary word, as for some reason, that one made everything seem so real in a way that none of the others had done before it. It was sad to see Freddie go, and for sure, Sam had done her fair share of crying regarding the issue. But Sam had learned, from the abortion she never wanted, to accept this death much quicker than the rest of her friends, because she drew a certain paralell between the two deaths. They were both sad, and tragic, and both of them would have certain moments engraved in Sams's memory in fine line, while all the other memories were simply blurs. Both of them involved Sam losing someone that she was in love with, but was not in love with her. Both of them were completely unexpected and exactly the opposite of how Sam would have planned it. But most prominently, both of them required Sam to come to terms with losing the one thing she wanted most in life.


	2. Sombra de ti Shakira

_Esta canción nació por las cuatro en la mañana; con luz apagado, y corazón roto._

_-Shakira, Sombra de ti._

_I'm going to leave it to my guitar  
to say everything  
that I don't know how to say for myself _

Carly was usually good with words. In fact, with the teamwork between her and her best friend Sam, She had been the best in the school and the best in the game, Good enough to hold the most popular webshow on the internet for many years. But as she and Sam had been taught many times in their lives, today being a monument to one of those times, all good things must come to an end.

_or perhaps I should wait  
until the insult of the clock  
Should finish planning my end _

Unfortunately, Carly was not like Sam; she was not the type to ponder death in a philosophical sense and get something good and meaningful out of it. Although by the end of this trying experience, she assumed something good would come out of it, for she was not crying now as she was during the ceremony. Rather, she felt as though her face had a lady gaga like quality to it, almost absurd in its pale, emotionless forward gaze adorned by a pair of sunglass far too large for her face. Indeed, Carly thought to herself, it might be nice to be able to care about such things. But there simply was not enough effort in her for such a mental activity.

_It hurts so much to smile,  
It costs the world to breathe  
And not having you here does such bad to me_

What bothered Carly the most, really, was reliving all the things she could have done differently. She could have admitted that she wanted to be his girlfriend. She had enjoyed the style of relationship they had, but no real woman can ever be truly satisfied with something so emotionally unfufilling. And as nice as it would be to be able to blame Freddie for this newfound emotional void, there simply was no dissing the dead in Carly's book, for lack of a better term, let alone on this day of all.

_I am followed about  
by a shadow of you  
It follows me, encircling, from afar  
all the words that we said  
and the kisses we shared  
as always  
I am thinking of you today._

She could have told him the truth, she could have spilled her guts and told him that she did not know what true love was, but had a feeling that he could show her. That what they had was so wrong and that's what made it so right to Carly, and that she didn't care that he didn't want a girlfriend or a wife because all she wanted was to be whatever he wanted her to… and then she came to realize that it was exactly that which landed her in the predicament in which she was. And yet, there could be no question that she would give anything to have him back.

_You should know  
That there are remainders of your mouth_

_Carelessly scattered about here  
And that I trip on them everyday_

_without thinking of you_

The problem with Freddie was that everything had to be a secret with him. Undoubtedly, this had come in two ways from his mother; environmentally, due to her estranged reaction to her son's inevitable sexuality, and inherently, as she herself had the exact same tendencies to go about romance behind closed doors, so to speak. Without any of them knowing it, secret keeping was an inhuman skill that Mrs. Benson had passed on to Freddie, and Carly had, in her own way, become the victim of this passed trait. Carly looked across the driveway in which the hearse was parked at Freddie's mother, examining her secretly behind sheildlike sunglasses. Carly wondered how many secrets Mrs. Benson truly knew, how many life changing things that Carly might never know simply because Marissa Benson was so skilled at what she did.

_But with another old memory  
And some new gray history  
If I can't be with you  
Then I can no longer be without you  
Each time is making it harder to be happy _

Carly looked back over at Freddie and her eyes fell remorsefully upon his rested face, triggering a lurch in her stomach. Even in death, Freddie's lips retained their plump quality, the very first thing Carly noticed about him when she had first started noticing him in the first place. It had been rough, her freshman year of college; Being new to the lifestyle, she had gone through a whirlwind of sultry but meaningless relationships only to emotionally find herself back at square one when the final grades were in and the year had come to a close, and it was her understanding that Freddie had gone through something similar with his first year. Upon returning back to seattle for summer vacation, Carly thought that she was very surprised by Freddie, but just recently, she had come to understand that she was surprised at herself for taking this long to be able to see him the way that she did, the first time he hugged her after a long school year of trials. Although Carly could never know what triggered this change, weather it be her loss of virginity or his, or simply college life, they were a changed man and woman that warm day in late may when he greeted her from stepping off the bus. It had been a warm day in late may much like this one. Carly's stomach churned at the thought; she could not go a whole day without drawing a comparison to a memory. Even weather conditions could trigger it.

_I am followed about  
By a shadow of you  
It follows me, encircling, from afar  
All the words that we said  
And the kisses we shared  
As always  
I am thinking of you today._

It was a double edged sword, really though, Carly thought grimly to herself as she watched his coffin get lifted into the back of the hearse. Should she have known he was drunk, she could have stopped him from getting into the car that night, and their relationship could have continued the way it did, she could have him all to herself, searching him for an emotional connection that would never be there while he continued to drain her of her evey last sexual resource. It could have lasted long enough, just in the nick of time, before they were both too emotionally exhausted, for her to find someone better, someone who could really give her everything she was looking for, and the farther Carly went down this train of thought the more absurd, unrealistic, and childish she realized that she sounded. So, the other childish overexaggerated alternative seemed that much more appealing to her; that losing Freddie in this tragic way was the only wake up call strong enough to get through her thick skull, that his death was the only way she could come to understand that she was cheating herself of something that she had been born beleiving that all humans deserved a shot at. So hack away, fate, hack away.

_All the words that we said  
And the kisses we didn't give  
Like forever  
Today I am  
Thinking of you_

Sometimes, Carly missed the innocence of her preteen years that she believed she might willingly die just to get a taste of it again. It was depressing, the top secret friends with benefits relationship that she had with Freddie that always left her hungry for something more, something that she never did end up receiving. And as the hearse drove away from her, leaving a blank spot in the driveway in front of her, she realized that her life could be a blank slate now. There could be no evidence of their forbidden, sinful love; the only remainders would lie in the few memories Carly might have to let go of in order to give love a chnace with someone else. But letting go of memories takes time. And she would need to take her time.


End file.
